CASSI'S V-DAY HEARTS POEM

Yes [Hug me]
[Hug me]
Yes Yes
I'm yours I'm yours
[Be mine]

Love ya

3/25/09

SITTING HERE

WHERE DID MY HAND GO
OUT THE LIPID LUSH WINDOW
WITH BURNT DOWN HOUSES

3/25/09

SITTING HERE

WHERE DID MY HAND GO
OUT THE LIPID LUSH WINDOW
WITH BURNT DOWN HOUSES

3/25/09

HAYSTACK

HOT FLYING IDEAS
INSERTING MY PORES
NEVER QUIT REDUCTION
SPLITTING THE CORES
              HOVER METAL OBJECT
              RIGHT ABOVE MY EYES
              STABBING IN THE BLANK PART
              CATCHING ECHO LAID LIES
FIRE WATER'S FOR DRINKING
BLOOD'S SLICKER IN WINE
LIVING IN THE MIDDLE
HANGING FROM THE LINE

FLOATING COURSLY DOWN IT
STEERING THORNY HELM
CRASH HUMAN FACES
TACKY OVERWHELM
              ACHY MESSY LAUGHTER
              HOARDES OF MILKY WORDS
              LOOMING GRUNTING CHAOS
              FLIGHT FACELESS BLACKBIRDS
MURKY HURTLESS NIGHT
BRISK BREATH MELT AWAY
CHOPPY DREAMS SHINE IN JEST
A SLY NEEDLE TO PLAY

3/23/09

STEPSTICKY

Everyone is at a glance.
          I feel it coming.
                    I feel it burning.
                             I'm gonna steal it, love it or leave it.
                                       Sittin' on the center
                                                 next to semi-dried sticky coffee water
                                                           Do not disturb should be on ever kids door.
                                                                                                                        3/11/09

RAT-a-TAT-TAT

Rolling - along so peaceful - then SPLOOSH

I seep further and further.

Seep into what?

Seep into the energy that grows me:

Are Bulimic-disabled-shy-OCD

Got Bipolar-anxiety or PTSD

Am Schizo-Affective-depressed-ADD

I wipe out in the game - I think.

Need thoughts that are mine

Thought I saw a rat.

But it wa the hand of another.

Explode gently like a soft sound

Is what I want

But I get suicide A-bombs

Attacking my core

3/8/09

REPEAT

Something like that or whatever.
.
I'm feeling antsy.
And just want to jump off a high something or other.
Yes.
Climb out - yes
 Climb out
   Climb out.
     Climb out.
      Climb out.
.
I want to leave - leave - leave - leave - leave
Leave leave.  Leave leave leave leave leave
                                  leave leave leave leave
DARK NASTIES                  leave leave leave
IN MY HEAD
I just wanna sleep.
.
The days away
Sleep the days away -
The all
all days sleeping.
.
The clouds are question marks at my head.
Can you tell me how to get
How to get
How to get
How to get
To open sesame street
               sesame street
How street.
.
How to get somewhere?
Whatever's clever.
I want to get to sesame
                           sesame
                           sesame
street.

3/7/09

NOURISH

WAIT QUIET TO EAT
IT WILL MAKE LIKE MY EDEN
PEACEFUL MUNCH FORWARD

3/4/09

AIR

Feel sorry
to look at your life like that.
Fresh
we are break.
Strings
of lovely lonely say you love me.
I can't kill
but anyone but you.

3/1/09

FACADE

I exist more
Falling into the costume of others.
Naive being is but believing
Down here canvasses without repetition
Dismaying with a thousand points of light
A pointing pavilion
& pending perpetuity
It;s unicycle lovely lady
Or universal unitard
I am smashed into their small spaces
Don't understand who is who
Stacked & packed & racked
Befuddled around
Caked with desire
In what?
Or my universe?

2/27/09

Waiting

I am sitting here waiting for my cue to leave. That would be 8 am. I am going to an AA meeting with my friend, Josie, yay Josie. I have never been to one with her so it should be neat. I am so happy for her, and glad to see her happy and sober. I love her so much, and its weird to think that I just met her 4 months ago. Weird how people can enter your life in such a rush and become so integral to your daily activities. So I still wait. That or this didn't take up very much of my waiting time. Just about 2 minutes. Darn...

Meekland

I am getting settled in here quite nice. The people are friendly and the case managers are great. I hope that my confidence and motivation stay with me as I get more familiar. I had a good day in church yesterday. The pastor talked about loving others as he loves us. Unconditionally and with evidence of that love. Not just words. Thats a hard one to prove. Just wanted to catch up. I am feeling good and hope to stick with my plan.

REASSURANCE

Its 1:10pm on July 25, 2009. I am sitting at the library checking all my stuff. i talked to pearl. shes 2 months pregnant. im bored of writing now. jsut wanted this to be updated. sorta.kindablah

4:32am

I was tossing and turning in bed about an hour ago. i was dreaming about a combination if school and my mom and brother smoking pot. in a house that was a combo of both grandparents. for some reason a guy in it was bothering me hanging out whereever i went. and this room had just had a bachelor party i was supposed to sleep in. smelled of cum. gross. the smell i couldnt get out of my head as i was trying to sleep. in the dream and out. i kept waking up and turning over trying to get the smell out of my nose. the more i woke up the more i realized i had to pee. i went into the bathroom and coudlnt find the toilet paper. the smell was overwhelming. its hard to go over this. im feeling like i want to puke. i wont go over it i dont want to trigger myself again. i had a flashback in the bathroom. it freaked me out. so now im awake. sometimes it hurts so much that i cant feel anything else.

12:44pm

I was thinking about the audio clip that my aunt sent me of john and me at the beach when I put my finger in the bird poo. That was funny.

I actually slept last night like a normal person. I went to bed when Jason did and got up in the morning at 10. Scary. I am trying to put the audio clip on here but I am not sure it is going to work. Nope it didn't. Oh well the picture is here.

Anxiety

Aww aren't the puppies cute. This is the other day when Jason and I both took them out. Malaika loves the sun. And Gretta is never serious, so this is cute.
It is about 2pm and I have an appointment today. I am feeling like I don't want to go. I am feeling like i don't want to stay sober. I just want to screw it all. I don't like the new room. It feels icky. But I was icky when I went so maybe if I go when I'm not it will feel better. Maybe she put her decorations back up. I hope so. Last night was bad. I couldn't shake my stuff. I keep thinking about disturbing dreams and weird memories. Can I let go of the rope long enough to forget without falling into the abyss that is my brain. Brain fart. Forage a kiss lick for my middle. Crap made out of oragami smells too.

9:11pm

Well I hope this embedded puzzle works. lets see. im listening to coast to coast and this strange chic is talking about some vortex golden poker game.

DADDEO

i just gave my dad the address to here. I love him. He is such a good person. I mean even if he wasnt my dad id think so. I really like that his heart is open. I know that anything he can do for me he would. I know that hes there for me. I really am lucky to have him in my life. We arent perfect, but who is. And what other dad would pay for 3 tows? hes what he is. and i love that about him. I dont know of any other place i can go where I can feel welcome and not judged and not asked a million questions. I appreciate his frankness and his privacy. I only hope other gals dad's are as mine is. again im lucky that my dad is who he is.

2 in the mo

Im just sitting here. it is 2 am. or a little after. I tried watching tv and going on pogo. they both just made me do other things. i am thinking of making bacon. isnt that weird. jason and i fought again. i just want to be ok. i dont want to be dealing with this extra stuff. its like the computer and then this. its a little to dramatic. i dont know what to do about it except jsut support jason. i know abotu anger and rage. and i feel i cant judge him on it. it just makes me freak out. in the moment im just wanting to leave. who wouldnt. its not like violence is a stranger to us. just something that we usually share. or know. i dont know. im here murphy trying to eat our food. hes so lame. and gretta is sleeping in the way comfy place that is the dogs bed. i made it so great. i want to sleep with them. im beingnegative more thatn i usually do. i guess becuase im hurt or its an excuse im not sure. im just letting it go. mean he was really upset and is that enough for me to say hey ok its cool im here. i dont know. shuld i accept things becuase i can dish out really starnge things? thats what my dad says. but hes no expert on anything. i mean are my shortcomings allowing jason to be rude to me? i mean do i have to accept his stuff becyase he may accepts ome of mine? they are not the sa,e to me. . they are not alike. i mean i can see if we had the exact problems......but this is so differnt. i hate this. i hate defending. i hatre making excuses and making him seen ok. bacon here i come. its cooking now. about 3 peices. man im a fat pig with a propensity towards sloth and procrastination. jason probably will wake up becuase im making a high sound food.