Fumbling Blue

The drugs took hold of his body soon after he ingested about 45 of the prescribed little blue diet pills. Nate's heart began to beat faster than he had ever felt it beat. It was as if tiny fists were pounding on his chest from the inside. Sweat poured from each overloaded pore. His eyes began to ache, like a headache but with more throbbing. He felt the need to read the pill container even though his head was aching.
Ephedrexine, 250mg. Take one pill before every meal and at bedtime. Nate slowly read to himself through the tears and sweat covering his eyes. He had given his girlfriend a hard time about getting these pills. She never took them because she got pregnant soon after. He said that they were dangerous to be taking with the baby on the way. Nate was always concerned with her health. He always wanted to protect her and keep he out of danger. He was experiencing their danger firsthand now.
Nate threw the little orange plastic cylinder across his room. It flew by posters of Radiohead, and a Van Gogh. It landed atop his desk with a loud crash as it flew into a can of empty soda causing it to tumble aimlessly across the desk. A little drop of stale soda plipped out and made a home on an old Dominoe's napkin. Nate and his girlfriend had eaten Dominoe's two nights earlier, before she had to go to the hospital.
Nate breathed out a loud breath warbled with saliva. Strings of his spit hung inbetween his dry lips. He didn't know what he was doing. He ran his shaky fingers through his sweat-laden hair. His motion caused sweat to squeeze down his neck and temples. Nate paced around clothes and bags on the floor very aware of how wet he was getting.
Nate wished he would just die. He wished the drugs would hurry up. He was feeling only a dizzying hyper state. He sat on his unmade bed and pulled his legs up under him. Sitting indian style, Nate started crying. His body started to convulse. And he didn't think it was from the crying. He tried to steady his hands but they were out of control shaking, and his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest, dying before Nate did. Nate thought that was unfair. Just like it was unfair for his girlfriend to be sitting in the hospital.
Nate didn't mean to push her. He didn't want to push her. Nate covered his eyes. His body was now under the drug’s control. He could barely keep his limbs still, they wre shaking so badly. His back and neck felt tense, and he wondered if he'd even be able to stand back up.
He craned his neck to make sure that the note he had written two hours earlier was still there. It was sitting in front of his alarm clock, the red letters giving the small yellow paper an eerie devilish glow about it. Nate was relieved to see it there. He couldn't imagine leaving his girlfriend without her knowing that he loved her.
He did love her. He loved the little baby inside of her too. He loved her so much. He loved her too much. His love caused him to push her when she wouldn't tell him where she was the night before. His love caused her to fall down the small steps out of the hallway. His love caused that little life to be bled out of her. He loved her too much to see her face again.
His heart began to do things he thought that hearts shouldn’t do. Skipping and beating out of sync. And he was so hot. Nate grabbed his chest thinking he ought to. One last painful beat and Nate would have had held two lives in his hands. His fumbling hands.