SAFEWAY

There are two things that I cannot stand about shopping: the people and the decisions. The people I could sometimes get around, shopping late or just listening to a Walkman. But, the decisions were always there, always haunting my head, and never leaving. They would sit dormant in my times of TV watching or reading, and then spring to dirty life as I stepped into the grocery store. This is where my tale begins. It was close to midnight about two days ago.
I walked from my car, reading the ominous red Safeway sign off in the parking lot distance. I started to envision the rows and rows of intimidating choices. I was very nervous now. The air stung my face as I walked steadily towards the luminous doors. I always sing a song to myself when I am approaching any store, to soothe my nerves. This particular night I was humming, because I did not know all the words to that new song by Vanessa Carlton. I had heard it on the radio on the drive over. It has a pretty catchy melody.
I reached the sidewalk and headed towards the cart well. I always hated choosing carts. It was usually impossible to find one that lacked the loud “whoob, whoob, whoob” wheel, or the equally disturbing mystery goo on the handle, or the trademark veering off into shelves quality. After searching I found one that was suitable.
My stomach gave a little punch at my insides as I walked towards the door. Right as I walked through the door a huge blast of stale air assaulted my face, blowing my hair all around the circumference of my head. I would give anyone a hundred bucks if they can tell me the purpose of this annoying gust.
In front of me stood a new Mountain Dew display. Bright colors and flashy names came flying at my retinas. They hit me with force that I had never felt before. I flew back about ten feet, causing me to kick my chosen cart with my left foot. My cart went rolling into the display. I watched, from the cold waxy tile, my cart attack the new display. I smiled a little.
The 12 packs of Mountain dew that were stacked so nicely just minutes before were now scattered along the floor. Some of the twelve packs were ripped open and the green cans were still rolling around. One of the cans was wedged under my cart and was squirting soda. As I lifted myself up, I really had to stifle laughter.
A woman from the left in a white and blue polo shirt came running. She must have worked here. I saw her a soon as she made her move. I had an epiphany just then. Why was I spending so much energy and going through so much stress on my shopping trips. I really didn’t need to be shopping the way I was. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of this earlier in my shopping career. Why had I waited so long was the question that was running through my head over and over as the Safeway woman jogged closer and closer to me.
The Safeway woman was about ten feet from me when I dove to the ground, seeking shelter on the opposite side of my cart and the half destroyed wall of the Mountain Dew twelve packs. I grabbed the spewing can from underneath the cart and put my finger over the hole that was letting the soda escape. I crouched even lower and held my weapon ready for the Safeway woman.
“Ma’am, are you alright?” The Safeway woman said in a shaky voice, unsure as to why I was on the floor.
I remained quiet.
“Ma’am?”
I could feel my breath shooting out through my tense lips and the soda was leaking onto my curled fingers.
“Are you ok? Can I help you with anything Ma’am?” The Safeway woman spoke louder now, as if I didn’t hear here the first time.
I jumped up from behind my make shift barrack. I held out my soda can and spoke in tight words, “Can you help me? Ha! Can you help me? You can help me alrighty.” The woman looked confused and she stepped back a few feet. She obviously saw my weapon and knew that she had better not do anything stupid. “You can definitely help me Miss Safeway.” I said in a sarcastic tone, although I wasn’t sarcastic at all.
“Ma’am, let me call the manager, I am sure he can help you.” She now was speaking in a tone like the teachers in 3rd grade would speak to the kids eating paste. Her eyes were focused on not me, but everything else it seemed. She continued to step back.
“Ohhh, Miss Safeway,” I sing-songed while waving the dripping can out in front of me. “Either you come here and stand by me, or you are gonna get a mouth full of soda.” I let a little soda squirt from the finger-blocked hole. It landed just inches away from her right hand. She let out a little wheeze of air as the soda grazed her hand. She pulled her hand to her chest, cradling it like a crying baby. She walked towards me slowly.
As she came close to me I grabbed her arm and twirled her around so I had my arm around her midsection and the can of soda up to her jugular. She didn’t really struggle at all. She knew what she was up against. I was a woman with determination now in her eyes. I had no intention of making a shopping decision again, and this Safeway woman was just the cog to put my whole gear-plan into action.
“Call your manager!” I yelled into her ear from behind. The soda was still dripping, and it was now sitting in little droplets on the Safeway woman’s hair sprayed hair. “Now, call him now!”
“Ok, just don’t hurt me…”
“Do it!” I shook her violently as I said these two words.
“Ok.” She cleared her throat. “Jim, we need some help on the main aisle!” She yelled towards the checkout stands, her voice clearly showing her fear.
I saw a short man, with a vest on come running towards us. He was supposed to look professional, but he looked pretty stupid with his vest and Safeway shirt on underneath, the white sleeves sticking out of the vest sleeves. I wondered if I should tell him or not. I decided to keep it to myself as he stopped in front of the mess of soda and cardboard, his eyes scanning everything before landing on me and his Safeway associate, who was trapped in my tight grasp.
“What in the world is going on here?” He asked astounded. He was looking at the Safeway woman and not me.
“Hey, Mister Vest Man,” He turned his eyes up towards mine. “Yeah. Talk to me. She will do you no good right now.” I motioned towards her with my elbow of the arm that was holding the ready to explode soda can.
“Ok, now lets just calm down.” He put his hands out in front of him and motioned like the referees do in football when there is a first down.
“Vest, let’s just talk business. I have an offer. You have a respected employee who I have in my hands that I am sure you want to stay unharmed. So let’s just talk business, ok?”
“Ok, what do you want?” He still had his hands out in front of him.
“Safeway, the epitome of grocery. The all-powerful, money hungry, pigs of the industry. You give us choices like they are a privilege! You gloat with your shelves upon shelves of packaged foods. You horrify us with your huge array of potato chips. With your giant amounts of pickles! And for god’s sake, who needs so many kinds of peas!” I was shaking the can of soda like it was my fist. “All I want is one definitive, good product as my choice. This is all that I ever wanted from Safeway.” I let my head fall onto the shoulder of my hostage.
“Ok, Ma’am. Look I don’t know what you would like to happen here, but can I have the soda can? Can you just stop shaking it around?” The Vest Man said to me, still with his referee hands.
I lifted my head off of the Safeway woman’s shoulder and glared at the Vest man. “You want me to give you this?” I nodded my head at the fizzy soda can. My finger was white where I had it over the hole. “Ha! You must think I’m stupid or something. Just do me a favor and listen to me carefully.” I leaned closer to the Vest man. I could hear the Safeway woman breathing rapidly and the soda can quietly spritzing soda onto my finger.
“What do you want me to do, Ma’am?” The Vest man said quickly. He finally put his hands down to his side.
“I want you to take this list,” I grabbed a crumpled piece of paper out of my front pocket and handed it to the Vest man. He took it with his chubby hand and looked down at it. “I want you to go get me each item on the list. Get me ONE item for each listed thing. Get me a quality product and not one that is expensive, not one that is crappy. I will be here waiting with Safeway woman here. Got that?” I shook the can and pressed it to the woman’s neck.
“Um yes. Ok. I got it. Do you have a money limit or – “
“No no no!” I violently shook my head no as I interrupted the Vest man. “Just go get ONE item! Quality not price is all I am asking for! Go now!” I yelled so loud that the other checkout workers glanced over.
“It’s okay, go back to work.” The Vest man said to them as he walked away after grabbing my cart.
I stood waiting for him to return. I let the Safeway woman go. “Just sit here.” I pointed to the floor by the Mountain Dew wall. I stared out the door, glad that it was late at night. There were no people coming in or out. I glanced at the big clock with no numbers on the wall above the florist section. It read 12:15. It had seemed a whole lot longer than just 15 minutes since my run in with the wind at the automatic door.
The Vest man returned after about 20 minutes with a collection of various items. “Here you are, quality not price. And one item only. I hope you will be satisfied.” He said as he nudged the basket, wanting me to look in.
I looked quickly. “That will be fine. Now let’s pay for it and I will be out of your hair Mister Vest Man.” I grabbed the Safeway woman from the floor and walked to the checkout lane. The Vest man went behind the checkout and scanned each item. Glee was escaping my body. I couldn’t believe that in 15 minutes my shopping was done stress free. I hadn’t made any decisions whatsoever. I was grinning like a clown.
“The total comes to $53.29.” The Vest man said to me wondering if I was planning on paying. The woman shifted in my arms.
I cocked my head and let the Safeway woman go. She walked a little ways away, unsure of my motives. “You forgot to charge me for the soda.” I held out the soda can, my finger still pressed up against the hole.
“Oh…” He said tentatively. He pushed a button to make the total disappear.
“I’ll just scan it if you don’t mind, I don’t want soda all over your nice vest.” I ran the soda’s bar code over the scanner and heard the familiar beep. “Ok what is my total now?”
“$54.34.”
I grabbed some bills out of my pocket and handed him three twenties. He gave me change while the Safeway woman bagged my lovely already chosen groceries. She piled them into my cart making sure not to smash anything delicate. “Thank you,” I said to the Safeway woman and the Vest man.
“Ok, Ma’am, have a good night.” The Vest man said to me waving as I pushed my cart towards the doors.
I walked through the doors wind blowing the plastic bags in my cart around. I let out a long breath thinking of the happiness I felt. I had never felt like this after a night of shopping. I let my finger off of the Mountain Dew can hole and the soda went spewing all over the parking lot. An outpouring of soda left the can just as my emotions of relief spilled from my body. I threw the can aside when it was finished. It tinkled against the ground and I watched as it rolled backwards towards the store. I caught a glimpse of the red Safeway sign. Ominous? Never more!